I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i think my cat just said my name.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
