Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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