I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
