you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Randomize
