Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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