all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
