The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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