my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I currently don't understand fingers.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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