You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
