i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
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He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
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I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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