she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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