I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I want her autograph on my taint
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
