I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
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Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
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I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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