i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
