I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
