yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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