I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
