The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
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Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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