I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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