There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
