I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
