Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks