I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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