I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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