I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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