i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
