I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
