I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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