Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
This baby is an asshole
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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