Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
