I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
