Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
