I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
