hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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