If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
