I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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