Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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