my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
