she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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