Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
