i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
