do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
