I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
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I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
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A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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