her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
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Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
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On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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