This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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