If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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