Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
