This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
