I just pynch a tree in the face
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
We were destined to go to rehab together
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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