I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
