So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
