My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
