uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
