I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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