dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
